Wishes for baby

Baby, I have so many wishes and visions for you. Some of which surely will come to be. Others may be far-fetched dreams. 

I hope, firstly, that you are healthy – not only in the 10 fingers and 10 toes way, but also mentally, socially, emotionally and spiritually healthy. 

I hope you get a great education. Chances are good that that will be provided to you, but a good education is more that the teachers, schools and assignments – it is about the effort you put into your education and the people you meet and skills you gain along the way. I hope you are a life-long learner and always have a sense of curiosity.

 

I want for you to experience a love of sports (both as a participant and a fan). Being part of a team is such a rewarding experience. I hope you discover a love of music. Even if you are just a listener. I hope you explore all aspects of the human experience weather that be through art, drama, reading or science.

I cannot wait for you to experience the wonders and joys of the natural world. I hope you can see every sunrise and sunset as a miracle and see the beauty in every living thing. I want for you to breathe fresh air, sleep under the stars, swim in cold, clear, blue lakes, scrape your knees, stare mesmerized into many campfires, catch lots of fish, learn how to grow things and smile when you can feel sand or grass or dirt between your toes. I wish for you to bask in the sun and stare at the moon.

I wish for you to travel. I wish for you to try new things. I hope you push and challenge yourself.

I hope you have a great imagination and can dream big. I hope you find your place in the world. I hope you find what makes you happy. I hope you realize the value and reward in helping your fellow man (and woman!). I wish for you to realize the value and equality in every human life. I hope you treat everyone with respect. I hope you learn your life lessons and listen to your spirit guides – they are there to help you. I hope you learn to live within your means and to be grateful and thankful for everything that you have. I hope you realize that the important things in life are not things. I hope you learn to be humble and kind and sincere. I hope you can ask for help when you need it, be able to admit defeat gracefully and know that failure is not a bad thing if you can learn from it.  Your life isn’t measured by your triumphs and good days but by how you handle the bad days, the frustrations, the setbacks and the challenges. I hope you learn that while it may be easy and feel good to blame everyone else for things that go wrong, there is always something that you can do to turn things around. You have the power to change your life. No one makes good decisions all the time, but I do hope you do not live with regrets. Forgive and forget, try to make amends, but never dwell on something that cannot be changed.

Above all, I hope that you know and experience love. I hope you grow up surrounded by nothing but love. I hope you learn that you have to give love to get love. I hope you earn the love of many friends. I hope you get to experience the love of a pet, romantic love, the love of life and the unbreakable love of your family. I hope one day you find someone you love enough to marry, and I also hope you get to experience the astounding, confusing overpowering love that comes with having children. My love for you will always be abundant, true, and unending. Though it is true that risking love can end in loss and heartbreak, love is ALWAYS worth it.  

I wish for you all these things and so much more. 

Go safely into that dark night

Where do souls go when they are rejected from this world?
Do they bounce back into the universe, floating freely, unashamed?
or do they get stuck in the veil between the worlds, alone and tangled?
Please forgive me, gentle soul, for what I am about to do.
I love you, but it isn't safe here. Everything is all wrong.
I have the option to play God, and I guess I'm taking it.
And though I feign divinity now, only God knows what my terrible action will cost me.
I'll never know the journey we were supposed to take together,
But maybe - one day - you will come back to me.
In the mean time, I promise to make the world a better place for you.
Please understand. Please be at peace (for I will not be). Please don't get stuck.
And please come back to me, someday.

Choice

What do you do in a room, all alone,
With no windows, no doors no chairs and no phone?
I only have me, that is all that I've got.
What do other human voices sound like? I've already forgot.
Do I still exist if no one can see me?
What happens if I yell or hurt or cry or feel extremely?
With no one else, I am my only friend.
Will I choose to give up or dance until the end...

A Room in Unusual Circumstances.

Water drips from a faucet.
A clock sounds rhythmic ticks, but it is stuck.
The second hand violently struggles to move on to the 24th second of the hour, but it cannot.
The room is different, but it feels the same.
The room is very still, but the circumstances threaten to up-end everything.
Is the silence comforting? It mostly feels that way.
Though brief moments of panic make it feel threatening.
How did this room come to be this way?
Is there any way out?
Hello?
Is there anyone there?

Being Alone

Though most who met me socially would confidently claim me as an extrovert, I love my alone time. Being alone never really scared me, but sometimes after hours playing in the sandbox or the garden I would shake my head and think,"Wait! How long have I been alone? Is that too long? Maybe I should just go let my family see me so they know I'm ok..." Funny- for how individualistic a society we are, I am surprised we still cannot stand to be apart from others most of our day.

Its not always easy being alone. I've had to do some real work on accepting alone-ness - especially after I moved into an apartment by myself and a few close friends moved away. I'm as happy as a lark at home. I have my bed, and my books, and my food and everything I attribute comfort to. I don't even have television. Most people feel comfortable being alone in their cars. Many people treat their cars as an extension of their living space, but there you can blast the music even louder, and change the view.

A few years ago on a particularly clear but chilly night, I decided to go to the movies by myself. I figured - I'd be sitting in the dark, no one would really see me alone, plus I hate when people try to talk to me in movies anyways. I arrived at the movieplex and there was a poster in front announcing that that night only, they would be showing, at 7:00, The Sound of Music - a 40th anniversary sing-along version. I just HAD to see it! I bought a ticket and walked into the theater and was slightly embarrassed to pick a seat by myself when the lights were still up. A few times I played with my phone, as if pretending to be waiting for someone else, but then the lights lowered and the movie started. The opening song started and... no one sang. NO ONE SANG! What was the point of going to a sing-along movie if you were not going to sing along??? Granted, the first song in that movie isn't exactly in everybody's range, but your sitting in the dark! Who cares if you flub it? I felt anxiousness building in me because I wanted to sing so badly and I was scared that the awkwardness would make me never want to see movies by myself again... and I just started singing. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I was mortified to hear my own voice carrying over the air. Then the horrifying thought passed though my head, "what happens if no one joins in? How long should I sing before I just give up?"I had a good 4-bar solo but thankfully, mercifully others began to join in. The rest of the audience sang through the remainder of the movie, and I bounced around in my seat, invisible in the dark, half dancing my own made-up choreography. It was a great experience. It was so rewarding, in fact, I even went back out into the lobby, bought another movie ticket and an delicious albeit overpriced icecream and saw another movie that night. It was one of the best dates I have ever been on!

Since then I have been on lots of me-dates. The movies is a favorite place for me-dates. I never have to compromise on what movie I want to see, and I get to form my own opinions on it. I have found that when I go with other people I'm much more likely to be influenced by their opinion. Museums and bookstores are great me-dates. Even if other people think it is weird that you are there alone, they're not supposed to say because generally those establishments are fairly quiet, and there is plenty to look at besides other people anyways. I also love taking myself out to lunch. I took some baby steps, at first I would just grab a sandwich and eat it at a park. Then I moved up to sit-down restaurants. At first I went to restaurants with a lot of office buildings nearby, so individual business-people would often eat alone there.

I did take myself out to dinner a few months ago. It was a little weird, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not quite there yet. I got a lot of funny looks (some puzzled, some pitying). Luckily the restaurant was a brewery so they had a big long beer list to pour over. I don't know if dinner alone is something I'll get used to, but we'll see.

The main thing I've learned being alone in public is that if you have confidence and are ok with it, generally other people are too. The benefits I've gained from being alone are immeasurable too. It's taught me to be ok with silence. If my mind won't quit - I write down whatever it's chattering on about, and I put the paper away. Chances are I needed to write it down anyways. Also - the chance to observe others and the world is hard to do when we are constantly in front of people and TVs and phones and computers. I forget how fast the sun moves across the sky and how easily strangers can make each other smile until I take myself out and give myself the opportunity to really see the world around me. You should try it too! Start slow, but if it comes down to it - just start singing. It won't kill you.

To the moon

Gracious Goddess -
hanging in the sky
I catch your filtered light
with my humble, naked eye
I gasp in awe - You fill my heart
with wonder, hope and love.
I stand still. And give thanks
for all things on earth from those above.

Bedtime Prayer

I pull these covers over me again.
The time has come for this day to end.
Let me go to sleep with a clear head,
With my heart too big to fit my bed.

Help me put to rest my fears and worries.
Please take them now.
Help me forget my anger and my grudges.
Please take them now.
Help me express my gratitude for the gifts I have been given this day,
And hope that tomorrow will be better still.

Tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow is a new day.

I'm a Dreamer So...

I suppose I'm a fool
Or an absent-minded professor, as my mom would say.
I'm lackadaisical, I walk around with my head in the clouds, my nose in a book.
I always said if I was a Disney princess, I would be Belle.
I'm a Blue.
I know that the world doesn't work as I wish it would or even how I trust it one day could.
Or at least I try to know that.

I have stepped out onto the ice rink expecting to be a Tara Lipinski.
I wasn't. I don't know why I thought I would be, but it was still quite a blow.
I somehow never lost blind trust and faith that children have -
The trust young children have that if they jump as high as they can on the trampoline
Maybe, just maybe - they might be able to fly off.
Then when they are rolling on the ground with a sprained ankle after an unsuccessful attempt,
And their moms exclaim, "That was so dumb! Why did you do that?!?"
They slowly shed their feelings of invincibility. That is what's supposed to happen.
Kids are supposed to learn that life is not magical, things can't defy the laws of gravity,
Their bodies have clearly defined limits, and stuffed animals don't play while you're asleep.
I don't know how I missed that, but it seems I have.
Why did this happen? Was it my fault? Was I coddled too much?
I suppose it doesn't really matter.

I just wish I wasn't so surprised EVERY SINGLE TIME when I fall flat on my face.
I still have deluded thoughts like: man is inherently good, world peace is possible,
socialism could work in certain situations, most people like me, everyone could and should be a winner, electric cars are a realistic replacement for regular cars, college students can afford to eat well...
Most of the time when my utopian la-la land is rudely disrupted with reality - I take it ok.
I tell myself to be realistic. I try to temper my expectations.
But what really kills me is love and friendship and trust.

I forget that people have ulterior motives, selfish tendencies
And just as many problems that I like to pretend that I don't have.
I feel every time I meet someone new: I climb right up without hesitation.
Then, several months later I look down.
You're not calling me back, or you don't want to hang out or... [fill in the blank]
And the height is dizzying. Its making me sick and then, usually without any notice or resolution,
The strings are cut. And I fall - hard - back down to earth.
I'm lucky if I only get a few bruises, but there has been a few relationships that shattered me.
I feel weak and helpless and stupid that not getting along forever with someone can shatter me,
But it has and it probably always will.
I pick up the pieces every single time. Put them in as close to the right place as I can, and try again.

With this one, I have looked down a lot. I fell from a few low rungs once or twice,
But things have been going really well for... almost a year and a half.
Not just kinda well, really well, magnificently well, Tara-Lipinski-ice-skating-for-the-first-time well!
And I hope you understand: I'm really really scared.
If I fall this time, like I have every single other, I'm not sure I'll survive it.
I'm serious you are the last tether I have to the idea of fate and faith and intuition and true love
you are my silver lining and my happy ending and my dream come true.
If I drop... from THIS height (gulp) (shudder) It will change me. I know it will.
So, please for the sake of my dreams, my delusions and world peace.
Don't drop me.
Please.

Nevada Poem

Nevada Poem

in a dark dark world of inky black-blues
the ground is hard and unyielding underfoot
the brushy vegetation prickly with frost
a tiny crack of warmth incubates in the east
a lip of light appears
it drinks away the dark like it has not drank in years
the undertow turns the blue blacks to shades of gray and purple
time is suspended as the world flails its way into a new day

and then more slowly than you can detect
yet faster than you realize
the most vibrant colors you've ever imagined
begin to creep up the eastern sky
like an immense edgeless banner being raised
like water slowly seeping up a paper coffee filter

here there is nothing for Aurora to filter her rosy fingers through
they shoot unbound into the world as she unlocks the gates of day
her pastel aura shimmers on the horizon
as she whips her hair around going about her work
I see wisps of pink and yellow and blue
day is clearly upon the great basin - the gates are open
Helios gathers his reigns and yanks sharply - ready to ride
horses and chariot charge forward, bringing light and possibility

the grayish purple is thrust upward and outward
into a clear blue purple like how your tongue
looks when you've had blue candy
a pink brighter than any neon sign
quickly follows like a firework violently expanding
the undertow still pulls my soul toward the horizon

then orange so bright and thick I think
I would like to dip my fingers in it
there! the great orb shimmers apparently unsupported
the sun's entourage expands before it dissipates
into a cool clear cloudless azure blue
A fan of light slowly falls down to the earth
an new wave of life splashes down into the basin
I assume the vitruvian man so as to absorb every bit of sun

you can keep your beaches and your sunsets

your tropical dreams and your green green trees

if you don't think what I have described

is the most beautiful thing you ever laid eyes on

I can only surmise

that you have never seen a desert sunrise.

Just Letting You Know

Just Letting You Know, after William Carol Williams' "This Is Just To Say"

I have popped
the bubblewrap
that was on
the floor

and which
you were probably
saving
for moving day

I'm sorry
it was irresistible
so swollen
and so loud

I know why a brick likes an arch

I think know why a brick likes an arch, Mr. Kahn.

What is a brick?
It is made of clay.
of earth.
of mud, essentially. (just don't tell the brick that)
You were scraped from the earth,
pushed into a mold,
and baked to perfection.
And though it would not do
to put on a whipped topping and a cherry,
it is somehow a work of art still.
A brick is a cornerstone, a symbol.
It holds things up, without fail.
It outlasted the generation that created it.
And now it stands, above the ground,
unaware of his muddy brethren.
You see, bricks are fancy, baked mud.
like us.
And that is why it prefers an arch.

A Scary, Modern [four-letter-word]

A Scary Modern [four-letter-word]

By Emma Shaffer

I think I have found it.

you.

Eureka!

I have found my one, true, once in a lifetime, sweep you off your feet, fairytale…

Well…

I can’t say for sure.

I am so freaking insecure about it.

I worry about it all the time.

Some how I think that could negate it all,

But I think…

I really L-O-V-E you.

I’m not saying it to freak you out!

Please don’t run away!

What we have is the most romantic story ever told.

No. That’s a lie. I’m sorry.

I really need to stop using clichés to describe us.

Our story, to me, is so romantic.

That’s what I meant to say.

I don’t mean to throw the “L-word” around to scare you or force you to a level of commitment you’re not comfortable with. I just…

FEEL so goddamn strongly about you.

I know were not “technically” dating and were not “putting labels on this”

Fine! “I care about you” and “you care about me” Whatever.

But let me tell you how I feel that brought me to this crazy ledge.

I trust you.

Unconditionally.

Because of the kind of person you are, but also because I’m crazy.

You are kind, genuine and consistent.

You do unpredictable things, but it’s always a pleasant surprise.

You have lied to me.

And I’ve lied to you too, but you always did it to protect my feelings.

I honestly trust you with anything and everything: my life, my secrets, my delicates.

And looking back at this list, maybe that’s a stupid idea,

but it doesn’t change the fact that I trust you so completely.

I just do.

I respect you.

You kinda scare me actually.

No, that’s maybe too mean, yet still true.

Maybe it’s the guns you own, or the motorcycle you speed around on fiendishly.

You have power in my eyes.

Not the “Imma tell you what to do” power; its more of a silent, scary, calm power

If that makes any sense.

I know that you look out for yourself and for the people you care about.

You are stubborn. Damn you’re stubborn. It drives me nuts.

But you are unwavering and independent.

There is something so magnetic and attractive about that.

There just is.

I need you.

Not in the needy high-maintenance way.

You’re just a part of my life. I notice when you’re not there.

Not like you’re a painting on my wall and I’d notice if someone took it. Not like that.

God, I’m really screwing this up.

On those rare occasions when we get to spend all day in bed, messing up the covers,

I know we just can’t bear to get up because we might have to be apart then.

You call me when I’ve just been thinking about you,

And I call you when you’ve just picked up the phone to text me.

When I can see in your eyes that you’re really pleased to see me,

It lets me know that you need me too.

And that makes me so damn happy.

It just does.

I accept you.

I don’t agree with everything you say.

In fact I disagree with a lot of things you say.

But I accept you and your silly libertarian opinions anyway.

No! Not silly. Sorry. I just think you’re wrong.

No! I mean I just disagree with you.

I know I won’t change your mind, and I don’t want to.

You have many attributes.

You are smart and funny and likeable.

But I think I love your faults even more. I don’t care if you’re short,

Or if you dropped out of school, or that you live where you grew up.

You are perfect, because you are you.

You knock my socks off.

You just do.

I feel so comfortable around you.

It’s hard to imagine that I haven’t known you forever. It feels like I have.

You make me laugh so hard. You make me cry even harder.

And somehow my mind has made itself up that you are worth it.

You mean so much to me. You mean everything to me.

You are my best friend.

I have liked you for so long. For years and years.

And I can’t believe I somehow tricked you into liking me back.

I love nothing more than to be in your presence,

To breathe the same air you do,

And to put my head in the crook of your neck,

And hold you as if the world were really ending.

I’m not saying any of this to change where we are in this relationship.

(We don’t have to call it that! Calm down!)

We don’t have to say those three little words when we hang up the phone.

That’s not what I’m asking for.

I just want you to know how I feel.

And now if you don’t feel the same way I’m gonna feel like a real ass.

Maybe this whole thing will go up in flames.

Who knows? Maybe saying all this will be the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.

It probably will be.

I know you claim you “don’t really know what love is”

Which is a cop out. I’m sorry but it totally is.

I don’t know 100% what love is either

But considering everything I have said…

What I think it means is that…

I love you.

I just do.