I'm a Dreamer So...

I suppose I'm a fool
Or an absent-minded professor, as my mom would say.
I'm lackadaisical, I walk around with my head in the clouds, my nose in a book.
I always said if I was a Disney princess, I would be Belle.
I'm a Blue.
I know that the world doesn't work as I wish it would or even how I trust it one day could.
Or at least I try to know that.

I have stepped out onto the ice rink expecting to be a Tara Lipinski.
I wasn't. I don't know why I thought I would be, but it was still quite a blow.
I somehow never lost blind trust and faith that children have -
The trust young children have that if they jump as high as they can on the trampoline
Maybe, just maybe - they might be able to fly off.
Then when they are rolling on the ground with a sprained ankle after an unsuccessful attempt,
And their moms exclaim, "That was so dumb! Why did you do that?!?"
They slowly shed their feelings of invincibility. That is what's supposed to happen.
Kids are supposed to learn that life is not magical, things can't defy the laws of gravity,
Their bodies have clearly defined limits, and stuffed animals don't play while you're asleep.
I don't know how I missed that, but it seems I have.
Why did this happen? Was it my fault? Was I coddled too much?
I suppose it doesn't really matter.

I just wish I wasn't so surprised EVERY SINGLE TIME when I fall flat on my face.
I still have deluded thoughts like: man is inherently good, world peace is possible,
socialism could work in certain situations, most people like me, everyone could and should be a winner, electric cars are a realistic replacement for regular cars, college students can afford to eat well...
Most of the time when my utopian la-la land is rudely disrupted with reality - I take it ok.
I tell myself to be realistic. I try to temper my expectations.
But what really kills me is love and friendship and trust.

I forget that people have ulterior motives, selfish tendencies
And just as many problems that I like to pretend that I don't have.
I feel every time I meet someone new: I climb right up without hesitation.
Then, several months later I look down.
You're not calling me back, or you don't want to hang out or... [fill in the blank]
And the height is dizzying. Its making me sick and then, usually without any notice or resolution,
The strings are cut. And I fall - hard - back down to earth.
I'm lucky if I only get a few bruises, but there has been a few relationships that shattered me.
I feel weak and helpless and stupid that not getting along forever with someone can shatter me,
But it has and it probably always will.
I pick up the pieces every single time. Put them in as close to the right place as I can, and try again.

With this one, I have looked down a lot. I fell from a few low rungs once or twice,
But things have been going really well for... almost a year and a half.
Not just kinda well, really well, magnificently well, Tara-Lipinski-ice-skating-for-the-first-time well!
And I hope you understand: I'm really really scared.
If I fall this time, like I have every single other, I'm not sure I'll survive it.
I'm serious you are the last tether I have to the idea of fate and faith and intuition and true love
you are my silver lining and my happy ending and my dream come true.
If I drop... from THIS height (gulp) (shudder) It will change me. I know it will.
So, please for the sake of my dreams, my delusions and world peace.
Don't drop me.
Please.

Nevada Poem

Nevada Poem

in a dark dark world of inky black-blues
the ground is hard and unyielding underfoot
the brushy vegetation prickly with frost
a tiny crack of warmth incubates in the east
a lip of light appears
it drinks away the dark like it has not drank in years
the undertow turns the blue blacks to shades of gray and purple
time is suspended as the world flails its way into a new day

and then more slowly than you can detect
yet faster than you realize
the most vibrant colors you've ever imagined
begin to creep up the eastern sky
like an immense edgeless banner being raised
like water slowly seeping up a paper coffee filter

here there is nothing for Aurora to filter her rosy fingers through
they shoot unbound into the world as she unlocks the gates of day
her pastel aura shimmers on the horizon
as she whips her hair around going about her work
I see wisps of pink and yellow and blue
day is clearly upon the great basin - the gates are open
Helios gathers his reigns and yanks sharply - ready to ride
horses and chariot charge forward, bringing light and possibility

the grayish purple is thrust upward and outward
into a clear blue purple like how your tongue
looks when you've had blue candy
a pink brighter than any neon sign
quickly follows like a firework violently expanding
the undertow still pulls my soul toward the horizon

then orange so bright and thick I think
I would like to dip my fingers in it
there! the great orb shimmers apparently unsupported
the sun's entourage expands before it dissipates
into a cool clear cloudless azure blue
A fan of light slowly falls down to the earth
an new wave of life splashes down into the basin
I assume the vitruvian man so as to absorb every bit of sun

you can keep your beaches and your sunsets

your tropical dreams and your green green trees

if you don't think what I have described

is the most beautiful thing you ever laid eyes on

I can only surmise

that you have never seen a desert sunrise.

Just Letting You Know

Just Letting You Know, after William Carol Williams' "This Is Just To Say"

I have popped
the bubblewrap
that was on
the floor

and which
you were probably
saving
for moving day

I'm sorry
it was irresistible
so swollen
and so loud

I know why a brick likes an arch

I think know why a brick likes an arch, Mr. Kahn.

What is a brick?
It is made of clay.
of earth.
of mud, essentially. (just don't tell the brick that)
You were scraped from the earth,
pushed into a mold,
and baked to perfection.
And though it would not do
to put on a whipped topping and a cherry,
it is somehow a work of art still.
A brick is a cornerstone, a symbol.
It holds things up, without fail.
It outlasted the generation that created it.
And now it stands, above the ground,
unaware of his muddy brethren.
You see, bricks are fancy, baked mud.
like us.
And that is why it prefers an arch.

A Scary, Modern [four-letter-word]

A Scary Modern [four-letter-word]

By Emma Shaffer

I think I have found it.

you.

Eureka!

I have found my one, true, once in a lifetime, sweep you off your feet, fairytale…

Well…

I can’t say for sure.

I am so freaking insecure about it.

I worry about it all the time.

Some how I think that could negate it all,

But I think…

I really L-O-V-E you.

I’m not saying it to freak you out!

Please don’t run away!

What we have is the most romantic story ever told.

No. That’s a lie. I’m sorry.

I really need to stop using clichés to describe us.

Our story, to me, is so romantic.

That’s what I meant to say.

I don’t mean to throw the “L-word” around to scare you or force you to a level of commitment you’re not comfortable with. I just…

FEEL so goddamn strongly about you.

I know were not “technically” dating and were not “putting labels on this”

Fine! “I care about you” and “you care about me” Whatever.

But let me tell you how I feel that brought me to this crazy ledge.

I trust you.

Unconditionally.

Because of the kind of person you are, but also because I’m crazy.

You are kind, genuine and consistent.

You do unpredictable things, but it’s always a pleasant surprise.

You have lied to me.

And I’ve lied to you too, but you always did it to protect my feelings.

I honestly trust you with anything and everything: my life, my secrets, my delicates.

And looking back at this list, maybe that’s a stupid idea,

but it doesn’t change the fact that I trust you so completely.

I just do.

I respect you.

You kinda scare me actually.

No, that’s maybe too mean, yet still true.

Maybe it’s the guns you own, or the motorcycle you speed around on fiendishly.

You have power in my eyes.

Not the “Imma tell you what to do” power; its more of a silent, scary, calm power

If that makes any sense.

I know that you look out for yourself and for the people you care about.

You are stubborn. Damn you’re stubborn. It drives me nuts.

But you are unwavering and independent.

There is something so magnetic and attractive about that.

There just is.

I need you.

Not in the needy high-maintenance way.

You’re just a part of my life. I notice when you’re not there.

Not like you’re a painting on my wall and I’d notice if someone took it. Not like that.

God, I’m really screwing this up.

On those rare occasions when we get to spend all day in bed, messing up the covers,

I know we just can’t bear to get up because we might have to be apart then.

You call me when I’ve just been thinking about you,

And I call you when you’ve just picked up the phone to text me.

When I can see in your eyes that you’re really pleased to see me,

It lets me know that you need me too.

And that makes me so damn happy.

It just does.

I accept you.

I don’t agree with everything you say.

In fact I disagree with a lot of things you say.

But I accept you and your silly libertarian opinions anyway.

No! Not silly. Sorry. I just think you’re wrong.

No! I mean I just disagree with you.

I know I won’t change your mind, and I don’t want to.

You have many attributes.

You are smart and funny and likeable.

But I think I love your faults even more. I don’t care if you’re short,

Or if you dropped out of school, or that you live where you grew up.

You are perfect, because you are you.

You knock my socks off.

You just do.

I feel so comfortable around you.

It’s hard to imagine that I haven’t known you forever. It feels like I have.

You make me laugh so hard. You make me cry even harder.

And somehow my mind has made itself up that you are worth it.

You mean so much to me. You mean everything to me.

You are my best friend.

I have liked you for so long. For years and years.

And I can’t believe I somehow tricked you into liking me back.

I love nothing more than to be in your presence,

To breathe the same air you do,

And to put my head in the crook of your neck,

And hold you as if the world were really ending.

I’m not saying any of this to change where we are in this relationship.

(We don’t have to call it that! Calm down!)

We don’t have to say those three little words when we hang up the phone.

That’s not what I’m asking for.

I just want you to know how I feel.

And now if you don’t feel the same way I’m gonna feel like a real ass.

Maybe this whole thing will go up in flames.

Who knows? Maybe saying all this will be the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.

It probably will be.

I know you claim you “don’t really know what love is”

Which is a cop out. I’m sorry but it totally is.

I don’t know 100% what love is either

But considering everything I have said…

What I think it means is that…

I love you.

I just do.