Water drips from a faucet.
A clock sounds rhythmic ticks, but it is stuck.
The second hand violently struggles to move on to the 24th second of the hour, but it cannot.
The room is different, but it feels the same.
The room is very still, but the circumstances threaten to up-end everything.
Is the silence comforting? It mostly feels that way.
Though brief moments of panic make it feel threatening.
How did this room come to be this way?
Is there any way out?
Hello?
Is there anyone there?
Monday, May 7, 2012
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Being Alone
Though most who met me socially would confidently claim me as an extrovert, I love my alone time. Being alone never really scared me, but sometimes after hours playing in the sandbox or the garden I would shake my head and think,"Wait! How long have I been alone? Is that too long? Maybe I should just go let my family see me so they know I'm ok..." Funny- for how individualistic a society we are, I am surprised we still cannot stand to be apart from others most of our day.
Its not always easy being alone. I've had to do some real work on accepting alone-ness - especially after I moved into an apartment by myself and a few close friends moved away. I'm as happy as a lark at home. I have my bed, and my books, and my food and everything I attribute comfort to. I don't even have television. Most people feel comfortable being alone in their cars. Many people treat their cars as an extension of their living space, but there you can blast the music even louder, and change the view.
A few years ago on a particularly clear but chilly night, I decided to go to the movies by myself. I figured - I'd be sitting in the dark, no one would really see me alone, plus I hate when people try to talk to me in movies anyways. I arrived at the movieplex and there was a poster in front announcing that that night only, they would be showing, at 7:00, The Sound of Music - a 40th anniversary sing-along version. I just HAD to see it! I bought a ticket and walked into the theater and was slightly embarrassed to pick a seat by myself when the lights were still up. A few times I played with my phone, as if pretending to be waiting for someone else, but then the lights lowered and the movie started. The opening song started and... no one sang. NO ONE SANG! What was the point of going to a sing-along movie if you were not going to sing along??? Granted, the first song in that movie isn't exactly in everybody's range, but your sitting in the dark! Who cares if you flub it? I felt anxiousness building in me because I wanted to sing so badly and I was scared that the awkwardness would make me never want to see movies by myself again... and I just started singing. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I was mortified to hear my own voice carrying over the air. Then the horrifying thought passed though my head, "what happens if no one joins in? How long should I sing before I just give up?"I had a good 4-bar solo but thankfully, mercifully others began to join in. The rest of the audience sang through the remainder of the movie, and I bounced around in my seat, invisible in the dark, half dancing my own made-up choreography. It was a great experience. It was so rewarding, in fact, I even went back out into the lobby, bought another movie ticket and an delicious albeit overpriced icecream and saw another movie that night. It was one of the best dates I have ever been on!
Since then I have been on lots of me-dates. The movies is a favorite place for me-dates. I never have to compromise on what movie I want to see, and I get to form my own opinions on it. I have found that when I go with other people I'm much more likely to be influenced by their opinion. Museums and bookstores are great me-dates. Even if other people think it is weird that you are there alone, they're not supposed to say because generally those establishments are fairly quiet, and there is plenty to look at besides other people anyways. I also love taking myself out to lunch. I took some baby steps, at first I would just grab a sandwich and eat it at a park. Then I moved up to sit-down restaurants. At first I went to restaurants with a lot of office buildings nearby, so individual business-people would often eat alone there.
I did take myself out to dinner a few months ago. It was a little weird, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not quite there yet. I got a lot of funny looks (some puzzled, some pitying). Luckily the restaurant was a brewery so they had a big long beer list to pour over. I don't know if dinner alone is something I'll get used to, but we'll see.
The main thing I've learned being alone in public is that if you have confidence and are ok with it, generally other people are too. The benefits I've gained from being alone are immeasurable too. It's taught me to be ok with silence. If my mind won't quit - I write down whatever it's chattering on about, and I put the paper away. Chances are I needed to write it down anyways. Also - the chance to observe others and the world is hard to do when we are constantly in front of people and TVs and phones and computers. I forget how fast the sun moves across the sky and how easily strangers can make each other smile until I take myself out and give myself the opportunity to really see the world around me. You should try it too! Start slow, but if it comes down to it - just start singing. It won't kill you.
Its not always easy being alone. I've had to do some real work on accepting alone-ness - especially after I moved into an apartment by myself and a few close friends moved away. I'm as happy as a lark at home. I have my bed, and my books, and my food and everything I attribute comfort to. I don't even have television. Most people feel comfortable being alone in their cars. Many people treat their cars as an extension of their living space, but there you can blast the music even louder, and change the view.
A few years ago on a particularly clear but chilly night, I decided to go to the movies by myself. I figured - I'd be sitting in the dark, no one would really see me alone, plus I hate when people try to talk to me in movies anyways. I arrived at the movieplex and there was a poster in front announcing that that night only, they would be showing, at 7:00, The Sound of Music - a 40th anniversary sing-along version. I just HAD to see it! I bought a ticket and walked into the theater and was slightly embarrassed to pick a seat by myself when the lights were still up. A few times I played with my phone, as if pretending to be waiting for someone else, but then the lights lowered and the movie started. The opening song started and... no one sang. NO ONE SANG! What was the point of going to a sing-along movie if you were not going to sing along??? Granted, the first song in that movie isn't exactly in everybody's range, but your sitting in the dark! Who cares if you flub it? I felt anxiousness building in me because I wanted to sing so badly and I was scared that the awkwardness would make me never want to see movies by myself again... and I just started singing. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I was mortified to hear my own voice carrying over the air. Then the horrifying thought passed though my head, "what happens if no one joins in? How long should I sing before I just give up?"I had a good 4-bar solo but thankfully, mercifully others began to join in. The rest of the audience sang through the remainder of the movie, and I bounced around in my seat, invisible in the dark, half dancing my own made-up choreography. It was a great experience. It was so rewarding, in fact, I even went back out into the lobby, bought another movie ticket and an delicious albeit overpriced icecream and saw another movie that night. It was one of the best dates I have ever been on!
Since then I have been on lots of me-dates. The movies is a favorite place for me-dates. I never have to compromise on what movie I want to see, and I get to form my own opinions on it. I have found that when I go with other people I'm much more likely to be influenced by their opinion. Museums and bookstores are great me-dates. Even if other people think it is weird that you are there alone, they're not supposed to say because generally those establishments are fairly quiet, and there is plenty to look at besides other people anyways. I also love taking myself out to lunch. I took some baby steps, at first I would just grab a sandwich and eat it at a park. Then I moved up to sit-down restaurants. At first I went to restaurants with a lot of office buildings nearby, so individual business-people would often eat alone there.
I did take myself out to dinner a few months ago. It was a little weird, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not quite there yet. I got a lot of funny looks (some puzzled, some pitying). Luckily the restaurant was a brewery so they had a big long beer list to pour over. I don't know if dinner alone is something I'll get used to, but we'll see.
The main thing I've learned being alone in public is that if you have confidence and are ok with it, generally other people are too. The benefits I've gained from being alone are immeasurable too. It's taught me to be ok with silence. If my mind won't quit - I write down whatever it's chattering on about, and I put the paper away. Chances are I needed to write it down anyways. Also - the chance to observe others and the world is hard to do when we are constantly in front of people and TVs and phones and computers. I forget how fast the sun moves across the sky and how easily strangers can make each other smile until I take myself out and give myself the opportunity to really see the world around me. You should try it too! Start slow, but if it comes down to it - just start singing. It won't kill you.
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