A Scary, Modern [four-letter-word]

A Scary Modern [four-letter-word]

By Emma Shaffer

I think I have found it.

you.

Eureka!

I have found my one, true, once in a lifetime, sweep you off your feet, fairytale…

Well…

I can’t say for sure.

I am so freaking insecure about it.

I worry about it all the time.

Some how I think that could negate it all,

But I think…

I really L-O-V-E you.

I’m not saying it to freak you out!

Please don’t run away!

What we have is the most romantic story ever told.

No. That’s a lie. I’m sorry.

I really need to stop using clichés to describe us.

Our story, to me, is so romantic.

That’s what I meant to say.

I don’t mean to throw the “L-word” around to scare you or force you to a level of commitment you’re not comfortable with. I just…

FEEL so goddamn strongly about you.

I know were not “technically” dating and were not “putting labels on this”

Fine! “I care about you” and “you care about me” Whatever.

But let me tell you how I feel that brought me to this crazy ledge.

I trust you.

Unconditionally.

Because of the kind of person you are, but also because I’m crazy.

You are kind, genuine and consistent.

You do unpredictable things, but it’s always a pleasant surprise.

You have lied to me.

And I’ve lied to you too, but you always did it to protect my feelings.

I honestly trust you with anything and everything: my life, my secrets, my delicates.

And looking back at this list, maybe that’s a stupid idea,

but it doesn’t change the fact that I trust you so completely.

I just do.

I respect you.

You kinda scare me actually.

No, that’s maybe too mean, yet still true.

Maybe it’s the guns you own, or the motorcycle you speed around on fiendishly.

You have power in my eyes.

Not the “Imma tell you what to do” power; its more of a silent, scary, calm power

If that makes any sense.

I know that you look out for yourself and for the people you care about.

You are stubborn. Damn you’re stubborn. It drives me nuts.

But you are unwavering and independent.

There is something so magnetic and attractive about that.

There just is.

I need you.

Not in the needy high-maintenance way.

You’re just a part of my life. I notice when you’re not there.

Not like you’re a painting on my wall and I’d notice if someone took it. Not like that.

God, I’m really screwing this up.

On those rare occasions when we get to spend all day in bed, messing up the covers,

I know we just can’t bear to get up because we might have to be apart then.

You call me when I’ve just been thinking about you,

And I call you when you’ve just picked up the phone to text me.

When I can see in your eyes that you’re really pleased to see me,

It lets me know that you need me too.

And that makes me so damn happy.

It just does.

I accept you.

I don’t agree with everything you say.

In fact I disagree with a lot of things you say.

But I accept you and your silly libertarian opinions anyway.

No! Not silly. Sorry. I just think you’re wrong.

No! I mean I just disagree with you.

I know I won’t change your mind, and I don’t want to.

You have many attributes.

You are smart and funny and likeable.

But I think I love your faults even more. I don’t care if you’re short,

Or if you dropped out of school, or that you live where you grew up.

You are perfect, because you are you.

You knock my socks off.

You just do.

I feel so comfortable around you.

It’s hard to imagine that I haven’t known you forever. It feels like I have.

You make me laugh so hard. You make me cry even harder.

And somehow my mind has made itself up that you are worth it.

You mean so much to me. You mean everything to me.

You are my best friend.

I have liked you for so long. For years and years.

And I can’t believe I somehow tricked you into liking me back.

I love nothing more than to be in your presence,

To breathe the same air you do,

And to put my head in the crook of your neck,

And hold you as if the world were really ending.

I’m not saying any of this to change where we are in this relationship.

(We don’t have to call it that! Calm down!)

We don’t have to say those three little words when we hang up the phone.

That’s not what I’m asking for.

I just want you to know how I feel.

And now if you don’t feel the same way I’m gonna feel like a real ass.

Maybe this whole thing will go up in flames.

Who knows? Maybe saying all this will be the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.

It probably will be.

I know you claim you “don’t really know what love is”

Which is a cop out. I’m sorry but it totally is.

I don’t know 100% what love is either

But considering everything I have said…

What I think it means is that…

I love you.

I just do.