I'm a Dreamer So...

I suppose I'm a fool
Or an absent-minded professor, as my mom would say.
I'm lackadaisical, I walk around with my head in the clouds, my nose in a book.
I always said if I was a Disney princess, I would be Belle.
I'm a Blue.
I know that the world doesn't work as I wish it would or even how I trust it one day could.
Or at least I try to know that.

I have stepped out onto the ice rink expecting to be a Tara Lipinski.
I wasn't. I don't know why I thought I would be, but it was still quite a blow.
I somehow never lost blind trust and faith that children have -
The trust young children have that if they jump as high as they can on the trampoline
Maybe, just maybe - they might be able to fly off.
Then when they are rolling on the ground with a sprained ankle after an unsuccessful attempt,
And their moms exclaim, "That was so dumb! Why did you do that?!?"
They slowly shed their feelings of invincibility. That is what's supposed to happen.
Kids are supposed to learn that life is not magical, things can't defy the laws of gravity,
Their bodies have clearly defined limits, and stuffed animals don't play while you're asleep.
I don't know how I missed that, but it seems I have.
Why did this happen? Was it my fault? Was I coddled too much?
I suppose it doesn't really matter.

I just wish I wasn't so surprised EVERY SINGLE TIME when I fall flat on my face.
I still have deluded thoughts like: man is inherently good, world peace is possible,
socialism could work in certain situations, most people like me, everyone could and should be a winner, electric cars are a realistic replacement for regular cars, college students can afford to eat well...
Most of the time when my utopian la-la land is rudely disrupted with reality - I take it ok.
I tell myself to be realistic. I try to temper my expectations.
But what really kills me is love and friendship and trust.

I forget that people have ulterior motives, selfish tendencies
And just as many problems that I like to pretend that I don't have.
I feel every time I meet someone new: I climb right up without hesitation.
Then, several months later I look down.
You're not calling me back, or you don't want to hang out or... [fill in the blank]
And the height is dizzying. Its making me sick and then, usually without any notice or resolution,
The strings are cut. And I fall - hard - back down to earth.
I'm lucky if I only get a few bruises, but there has been a few relationships that shattered me.
I feel weak and helpless and stupid that not getting along forever with someone can shatter me,
But it has and it probably always will.
I pick up the pieces every single time. Put them in as close to the right place as I can, and try again.

With this one, I have looked down a lot. I fell from a few low rungs once or twice,
But things have been going really well for... almost a year and a half.
Not just kinda well, really well, magnificently well, Tara-Lipinski-ice-skating-for-the-first-time well!
And I hope you understand: I'm really really scared.
If I fall this time, like I have every single other, I'm not sure I'll survive it.
I'm serious you are the last tether I have to the idea of fate and faith and intuition and true love
you are my silver lining and my happy ending and my dream come true.
If I drop... from THIS height (gulp) (shudder) It will change me. I know it will.
So, please for the sake of my dreams, my delusions and world peace.
Don't drop me.
Please.